the_caitiff

09:10 pm: Made food for wedding reception.
Food's done! I am all prepared to attend the pot luck wedding of the century...  I made the cobbler recipe that cost great grandma Morgan her soul... smells good but if I even sample it.... I know it would be eated and I'd have to make another that also needs to be sampled...

03:09 am: Hail the conquering hero...
I have survived a quarter century alone on this god forsaken planet... Three more to go.


(Makes me feel old, I can measure my age in centuries now...)

07:42 pm: Women folks
Women, truly one of God's greatest creations. Addictive as all hell too.

07:13 pm: Not going to be emo, but.....
I'm going to try to not be emo, but lets just see where this goes. I've realized that I am irrational, panicky, and angsty between 2am and 4am, hence trying to knock this one together at 715pm and hoping to be rational and sort some stuff out in a reasonable and logical manner.

I love my friends, I really. do. Even the ones I don't know as well like Angie or Ju are like a warm breeze across my soul. For a brief time I feel complete when I am around my friends and I love it. If I could I would just bask in that feeling and enjoy their presence all the time, but life is rarely so kind.

To make matters worse, it is often physically painful to the point of chest tightness and trouble breathing if I am around them "too much". It really bothered me. I felt a bit like a monster, knowing that feeling love for other people causes me pain. It's kind of fucked up. I 've done a bit of thinking though and I think I finally know why it is both something I crave and feel pain from. I think my problem is that I love too much.

How is this possible? How can a person love too much? Well the answer is, repressing emotions. I don't always express my emotions well. You ever get so angry, full of rage and hate, that you just need to vent it somewhere, anywhere, it doesn't matter where so long as you destroy everything and get that catharsis? Or so frustrated with people that you need to yell and fuss and bitch out whoever is nearby even when they weren't at fault?

I feel that way with my affection and love. I'm so full of this... stuff... this need to hold, touch, caress, appreciate, enjoy and love that it is driving me mad! I feel so good and happy and full of love but I don't have any way I am "allowed" to express it. I can vent a little at a time by buying them food, taking them to movies, listening to their troubles, providing support and so on, but it feels to me like I am watering flowers with a fire hose throttled all the way back until there is barely anything coming out. The hose is meant to provide massively huge amounts of water at great pressure, if you try to only allow a little bit out at a time the hose will burst. Sure it will last longer before bursting because there is still some outlet compared to a completely shut off hose under pressure, but it will eventually burst.

If we take that metaphor back to it's beginning for a second, that would be a bad thing for me. I don't want to burst.

The problem is that I am not allowed to make larger displays of love and affection. There is so much love flowing in and around this group that there is no room for me. I try to give affection only to be rebuffed. I reach out to hug someone, to hold them, give a small *friendly* kiss, or just the simple warmth of another human touch. I'm reaching out, I'm trying to show I care, I'm silently asking for the support they give each other... They turn away, step aside, step back or just ignore it. All of them, every time. This is why I feel so much pain from their presence and have to leave. Here I am surrounded by the people who know me best, an outsider on the inside.

I just can't do this anymore. I am tired of feeling like shit every time I leave my house. I don't know how I can vent these feelings and achieve that catharsis without alienating everyone I love, but until I figure it out I guess I just need to quit being human. If the choices are being a mindless robot with no feelings or this.... Robothood is looking better everyday.

05:55 pm: I burn.
I'm starving to death in the middle of an orchard. I am dying of thirst on the banks of an untouched stream.

How was it my sister put it? Sometimes you just want so much it burns and hurts and you're not really sure what it is you want but the wanting is all you have and it burns. It's killing you slowly but you don't dare let go because if you do you know you'll be lost forever.

I yearn, I ache, I pine, I long, I WANT love so badly it hurts. Some days it rages through every fiber of my being, the desperate and unquenchable urge to love and be loved in return. It rages and thrashes and screams at me, tearing me apart. Its a monster that cannot be controlled and is slowly consuming me whole.

I know that I have so much in me to give, but every time I reach out my hands are slapped away. Devotion, love, tenderness, commitment, faith, service, and undying loyalty. I long to open my soul for someone, to have them claim it, make it theirs so that I exist solely for them and their every desire. Not slavery and submission as found in the D/s culture, but perfect and complete submission where I rise from it more whole, complete, and stronger than ever before. A sword, a sheild, a perfect defender and knight in service of his queen.

Until then, every glimpse of affection is torture. It can be physically painful to see other people who love. A tender and sweet kiss shared between two people in a park burns me like an ember pressed against my chest. A simple caress down my arm sets me aflame. A hug makes me want to break down and cry. I tell everyone that being touched makes me uncomfortable, but it is only partially true. I love it, I long for it, I savor every brief second of it, but once it's gone I remember the loneliness and pain and longing....  It's almost enough to kill me.

My dearest fondest wish is a few moments of contentment and someone to share them with. My ultimate fantasy is not some kinky sex scene, a threesome or the like, no the one and only fantasy I have is to wake up on a lazy saturday morning holding my beloved and knowing that if I wanted I could just lay there with her and let the world deal with itself for a while.

I want to love.

07:25 pm: Trying a new brand of Kava
Fire Island Shaman Kava, product of Vanuatu. Vanuatu is known as the home of the worlds strongest kava hands down. Have had other brands of kava and kava supplements from Fiji and Hawaiian grown kava, they worked but the effects were very mild and subtle.

3:33pm
Took two cups Fire Island Shaman Kava with apple juice chaser. Tasted earthy, but not as bad as other types of Kava and miles ahead of Yohimbe. A truly unique flavor, drink resembles green mud or perhaps fresh concrete.
3:35pm
Tongue is numb. Throat tingles. Begin experience log. Other brands of Kava made tongue tingle a bit but not numbness like this.
3:42pm
Notice myself being more thinky. Made joke about virgins appeasing the volcano gods.
3:50pm
Numbness in stomach. Feels a little like nausea, but without any ill feeling whatsoever.
3:53pm
Warm, like I was lying in bed with a nice blanket on my day off. Going outside to enjoy the sun.
4:03pm
I have mangoes on my mango tree. I think I will have another two glasses of Kava. Wow, the numbness is pretty intense this time. Can still speak coherently but it feels funny to have numb lips and tongue speaking.
4:11pm
Content.
4:22pm
Very warm but not hot. I've just had an open and heartwarming discussion with a friend. Or at least I was open, but either way I enjoyed our little chat. I should talk honestly to my friends more often. They're good people.
4:30pm
Feeling nice and content again. Not that I stopped feeling content, but I just remembered that there were other ways to feel. Considering another few glasses of Kava. Will go do laundry then decide.
4:38pm
Have decided against a fifth and sixth cup of Kava for now. Lovely stuff but my lips are still numb. Think I will just see where this goes on it's own for now. Vanuatu Kava is not to be messed with after all. Those Kava "mood and sleep improvement" pills at the health food store can suck my left nut.
4:45pm
I have need of a Nakamal. I intend to buy more of this Fire Island Kava. I shall take it with me on my trip north and maybe get the other players going with me so we can do the Nakamal thing right.
4:51pm
No, this is mellow. Wow, this whole "feeling good and nice and content" thing just keeps deepening.
5:25pm
I'm still happy and fine an hour and a half after my last cup of kava. I think it's time to make dinner now.
5:43pm
Dinner is chugging away and I think I'm going to make that third batch after all.
5:47pm
Fifth and Sixth glasses down the hatch. Man I really cannot stop once I start chugging. It needs to be done all at once and then the chaser. Otherwise the taste of this interesting drink will overwhelm me.
6:33pm
Fuzzy "drunk" head feeling set in a little while ago. Can't really tell when exactly as I was cooking... Dip head to the side and it's kinda like a drink sloshing in a cup, it takes a seconds or so to slosh back into place. Trails, but not visually, auditory, or emotionally, just the weird head trip thing.
6:46pm
Am beginning to think I am enjoying the effects of repeated and constant kava drinking. Mildly sleepy, kinda head trippy, urge to talk and chat and laugh.... Feeling VERY social. I need another few drinks of Kava, but I only have two cups left remaining untill my next shipment.
7:25pm
Thunder rolls in and I am amazing. I usually love storms. Kava makes this better. Really liking the longevity of the experience. Going to wrap this up before the thunderstorm kills my power.

Tags: drugs, drunkeness, fun, kava

11:21 pm: Thoughts
disjointed thoughts I felt the need to place somewhere

Internet, cell phone, text message, instant message, The Eternal September, 1994, netiquette, new etiquette, language barriers, new social networks, non-geographical demographics, non-linear data mining, non-relative information research, Social Contract Theory, modern tribalism, gangs, mafia, Omerta, cyber cartel, Anonymous, terrorism, Revolution, post apocalypse, Rebirth,

Those adept at interpretting my mind (few and far between) might see a pattern here. I've got a vague idea/premonition/prophecy concerning the future and I eventually plan to write it down as a longer essay or article. Those seemingly unconnnected words are symptoms. Of a disease or of a cure?

Basically new forms of communication that have risen to prominence in my life time have completely revolutionized society in ways no one could have forseen. With new forms of communication, new societies have emerged, new cliques and clubs no longer bound by geographical nearness to their members. With the exception of a few places like China that filter their internet access, national boundaries are swept aside when it comes to the flow of communication.

People are talking to people. People are realizing that others think like they do. People are beginning to band together based on shared goals, hopes, dreams, ideals, and philosophy. They are forging new bonds and redefining what is polite behavior within their societies.

New social contracts are being written. New demographics are swaying markets and governments. The people have more power now than at any other time in history, collectively if not individually.

SOCIETY IS CHANGING AT A BREAKNECK PACE!!!

As new groups gather, change, merge, and separate, splinters emerge. These are the new Tribes. In the old days they might have been called gangs, before vagrants with guns stole the designation, or perhaps mafioso. They certainly have their own Omerta. Unlike the old days however many people belong to more than one gang, some even being members to rival gangs.

So where does this lead us?

The Revolution. The Apocalypse. The End of All Things...... And beyond.

10:31 pm: The great rite
Not sure whether to be proud of this one or not. This is by far the most adult thing I have ever written, and yet.... And yet it needed an outlet. Let my know what you think.

( The Priest. )

09:47 pm: I'm troubled of late.

I've been going through a pretty rough emotional time lately, but last night it came to an interesting point.

I went to sleep a very troubled and exhausted man. I shot out of bed barely five hours later completely alert but with a single thought thundering in my mind as if it had been fired from a cannon. It was this;

"Learn to see that which you seek."


That thought has haunted me all day. Every time I managed to focus on my job or anything else... "Learn to see that which you seek." It just kept coming back.

I just don't know what to think.

11:12 pm: Here's some advice. Go buy a gun. Buy one from a newspaper classfied, from a friend, or some guy at the range. Dont do anything stupid with it, but learn how to use it and then put it away just in case you one day need it.

Who knows how long our freedom will last.

05:13 pm: In defence of Romance...
When I tell people that I am a Romantic at heart, they wonder why I never show up with roses or have anything published by Harlequin on my book shelf.

I think most people have just forgotten what Romanticism is all about or else confused it with romance. Yes, love is a part of it, but not the entirety. I will admit up front that some parts will smack of objectification or andro-centric thinking, but I shall attempt to explain my ideas of the Romantic lifestyle. Love between man and woman is only a small part of what it means to be a Romantic. Romanticism involves all of the human emotions, it is about living those emotions. Hatred, Fear, Pride, Awe, Curiosity, Hope, Faith, Sadness, Longing, Shame, and Wonder are all represented. Most of all though, (to me at least) Romanticism is about the search for Truth and becoming more than human. A curious Romantic may be called to travel the world, seeing and hearing everything for no other reason than the joy of learning. A man may take up the church as his calling, driven by his rock solid and unquenchable faith. A Romantic has transcended the bounds of mortal men by embracing the things most push aside with logic and pragmatism.

It is here that we find true Heroes and Villans. More than just people on opposing sides of the law, Heroes and Villans are more real than cops and robbers because they are driven people. Something beyond themselves molds them and directs their feet. A fireman may save a hundred children from burning homes and never become a Hero. A man might kill an entire family in gruesome and trwisted ways, he is not a Villan. A Hero does not step in because no one else will, or because it is his job. He does it because his emotions are pushed far beyond a normal man's. He loves or fears or hates on a scale few can comprehend (though the latter two are more often called Anti-Heroes). "Greater Love has no man than to lay down his life for a friend" we are told, but what of the men who would die for someone that they have never met? A good man in an unjust system can be consumed in Fear and Hatred. He might strike out at the injustice, making the world better place. And just what drives a Villan? The difference between a criminal and a Villan is more than just the scale of the crime. Love is just as likely to drive a man beyond his wits as Hatred. Whether it is love lost to untimely death, or unrequited love, in a Romantic mind love and jealousy are more dangerous than any schoolboy grudge or assassination plot. Perhaps the driving emotion most commonly used in popular culture is Curiosity in the archtypal Mad Scientist. In the pursuit of knowledge there are no taboos he will not break and no one he will not sacrifice.

The most dangerous thing about Heroes and Villans compared to normal folk is that they are always right. If nowhere else, in their own minds they are always doing the Right Thing, they are always seeking that Ultimate Truth. There is no phrase more dangerous than, "I'm sorry old friend." You just know someone is about to get boned.

10:03 pm: True Friendship




Tags: philosophy, poetry, ramblings

10:15 pm: A new twist on an old classic.
So lately I've been having some weird dreams. Well actually they're quite normal dreams except for the fact I usually don't have these dreams and that there's a twist or two. I'll assume everyone's had "the flying dream" or "the falling dream" at least once. Seems everyone gets those at one point or another from what I can tell.

In my dreams however I'm not soaring through the sky or falling to my death. Instead I'm at my job, ringing stuff up and taking money. Then for some reason I decide that I'll rest my feet a bit and so I just float about zapping things with my price gun and enjoying the shocked looks from my coworkers. No superman impression out and about in the city, just floating around my department about a foot off the floor and talking to folks.

Now the odd thing is that while everyone else is staring at me like you'd expect them to stare at a floating person, to me this is nothing special. I float when I feel like it and walk when I don't. The weirdest thing is that I could really feel it. In my dream I know the secret, it was so simple, and I could feel exactly how It worked.

In another dream I'm going home, and I'm running. I don't know about everyone else but for me there's three types of running. I can jog, sprint, or settle into a long loping stride that I can do all day. When I hit that sweet spot between jogging and sprinting often enough both feet will be in the air for a short bit of time. Now in the dream I'm in the zone and running smooth, ahead a park bench blocks my path and I don't even slow down. I give the barest extra push on the first step and my next step lands right across the back of the bench. Now I'm airborne for real and I pull my floating trick again. My momentum is insane as I come back to the ground after some x-games style hangtime. I run along for a few more steps and bounce up off of a fire hydrant the same way. Ninjas never looked this bad ass.

10:26 pm: Here are a few pics from last weekend's store wide Christmas party. Good food, good folks, and good booze all around. Not much in the way of entertainment, just everyone sharing amusing anectdotes and wild stories, but still a good little get together. I got to know alot of my coworkers better, got invited to a few other parties, even got propositioned (umm... how exactly do you turn that down gracefully? not sure)...


From left to right; Myself, Jen, and Ellie (my psuedo-adopted mom, seems that with every job I work with a crazy woman who decides I'm the son she never had...)


Me, Jen, Ellie, and Dennis (He's dating Ellie's psuedo-adopted daughter Penny, who's also my former boss... We're all one big twisted happy family at my store)


Just me.

Happy Holidays everyone.

12:13 am: Tipping.
I have only this to say on the subject of gratuities; PLEASE STOP TIPPING ME!

Look, I understand the need to tip waiters and others who serve you for next to no pay. I fully support the practice of tipping. I try to leave a decent bit of cash behind for those folks who depend on it to make a living. Even if the service is crappy, I will leave something.

However, please stop tipping me. I do not base my wages on tips and gratuities, I do not expect them, and frankly I am insulted by them. My employer and I have come to a grudging agreement about how much I deserve to recieve for my services, you do not enter into the equation. I give them the sweat of my brow and the strength of my back and they give me enough money to survive. That's the deal.

Furthermore, it's in my job description to help you in any way I can, including lifting those 80lb bags of cement into your trunk, tying the tree to the top of your SUV, and anything else you might need. To me these are minor tasks, barely worth my notice and simply serve to fill the empty spots of my day. To imply, or state outright, that it was something special and needs to be tipped is insulting. I'm a proud man, proud of my job, proud of my work ethic, proud of my strenght, and proud of my hard earned reputation. If I can lift it in one hand or toss two over each shoulder, it's nothing special and you're just lazy. And furthermore while tipping might lead to better service, it does lead to lower wages and lazy ass coworkers who are happy to help you but can't be bothered to do any real work.

Look, it may be a retail store (where everything is supposedly about the customers), but a hardware store requires a metric shit ton of work to keep running. Despite having over 50,000 square feet of aisles and merchandise, the customers can be effectively served by a crew of less than ten employees (I've seen it done quite often). To keep those aisles fully stocked, fronted, cleaned, and organized requires more than two hundred employees. The usual service industry model, of hard work against gratuities given, does not apply. Please do not encourage laziness, please do not cause my wages to be lowered.

If you really feel the need to give me a little bonus, smile and stop to talk to me (it makes me smile and brightens my day), or better yet call the store and ask to speak to the manager. If everyone who decided to tip me a dollar or two today told my manager that I was helpful and friendly, I would easily get a raise at my next review. Even if I only got the "standard" wage increase, in a weeks time it would be more than I'm tipped in a month.

08:34 pm: I Don't Care
( Read more... )

02:09 am: More Angel
Here's a few hundred more words. Work sucks and it is sapping my time and energy...

01:06 am: Nanowrimo 2007
Below is the first part of my latest Nanowrimo effort. A completely new and original story. I hope you enjoy it.

08:32 pm: Interesting times.
Consider the following if you will.

In most of Europe at this time there are fewer babies being born than there are elderly dying. The replacement rate in the EU is currently only 1.4 children per couple. In another generation the population will drop 30%.

In sub-Saharan (central) Africa a significant portion of the population is infected with AIDS. In less than twenty years the death toll could reach 100 million.

In September 2003 crude oil cost under $25 per barrel. As of today it cost $92.22 per barrel. We're approaching something called "peak oil", it's only going to get MUCH worse.

Diseases mutate constantly. The common cold and influenza are infamous for this, that's why last years vaccination won't protect against this year's flue. How long until one of the big ones mutate into a more deadly version? Ebola Zaire (the most common and deadly form) has a mortality rate of roughly 90%. AIDS has a 100% mortality rate, eventually, through secondary infections and complications (AIDS kills the immune system at which point a cold can kill). The Black Death (bubonic plague) also has a 90% mortality rate (without treatment). All three can be spread through blood. How long until one of them acquires mosquitoes as a transmission vector? How long until the tropics are a worldwide deadzone?
                  (Interesting side note. More than half of the cases of Bubonic Plague reported in the last year were in the US. Prairie dogs are immune to the disease but are carriers. Fleas bite them and then travel to rats, birds, cats, dogs, and people...)

04:12 am: Rants and Raves.
For fuck's sake people, THINK! Wake up, open your eyes and take a good hard look at reality. We're dying slowly from some sort of sickening rot that's eating away at our souls and we don't even notice. We refuse to live and that makes us die all the faster. Think about it, when was the last time you felt like you weren't just stuck in some sort of holding pattern waiting for life to start? We tell ourselves "If I can just wait until *this* happens..." or "It's only until I get a chance to do that..." and that day never comes. We're so terrified of dying we're afraid to live!

A lot of people talk about finding a cause worth dying for. Causes worth dying for are a dime a dozen, and a pile of corpses never solved anything. Find a cause worth living for, grab it with both hands and never let go.